Skool Camp
by chicky.licky
Summary: Zim and Dib go on a MANDITORY Skool survival camp.
1. Chapter 1

(A/N): This is my first Fan Fic (yay) which I have been working on for a bit before I joined so the first few chapters will be there when it's first loaded on. Please review!

DISCLAIMER: Only in fantastic daydreams do I own Invader Zim which (sadly) isn't real life… This disclaimer goes for the rest of the fic.

* * *

Ms Bitters' class will be attending a _**MANDITORY**_ sleep away camp in the coming week. _**RESITANCE WILL BE NOTED**_. For a student to attend this he/she must bring back this signed permission slip with 1000 monies enclosed (covers child's happiness over the seven day trip).

**Name:** I AM ZIM!!

**Address:** Earth, we live here and nowhere else. We are normal.

**Contact Number:** No one may touch Zim.

**Accident Number:** Zim makes no accidents!!

**Allergies:** Food. Water. Humans.

**Signature:** _Almighty Zim's Normal Earth Parents._

* * *

'CHILDREN! Hand your permission slips in NOW!' Ms Bitters' voice boomed through the classroom on the Friday afternoon. Everyone solemnly marched forward to the front of the class, holding their forms. Zim and Dib dashed to the front, both trying to beat the other. Zim slammed his down on the desk a fraction of a second before Dib.

'VICTORY FOR ZIM!!' he cried and smirked at Dib, 'Just another thing you've learnt to fail at, Earth-smell.' Dib ground his teeth angrily. Everyone continued to hand in their notes. A particularly scared looking child trembled as he reached the front of the class.

'I-I… left my note… at home…' he stuttered and then quickly covered his face with his hands. When Ms Bitters didn't do anything he cautiously lowered them. Then she pressed a button on her desk and a pit opened up below the child and his screams continued for a long way down.

'Hey, muffins! Oh-oh… Ahh!! Noooooooooo!!' The pit reclosed and his screams faded away. The bored looking kids finished handing in their notes. When everyone was sitting again Ms Bitters placed all the forms in a box where they were completely incinerated. The smoldering remains dumped themselves in the bin.

'Class, you will meet here on Saturday at 4:30am _sharp_. You'll be loaded into the bus at nine o'clock.' Ms Bitters stated.

'Can't we just get here at nine then?' Dib asked confused. Ms Bitters growled, but continued, ignoring Dib's question.

'Mr Elliot will be accompanying you on the trip instead of me, I will be taking his class for the week,' she continued. 'The survival trip you will all embark on will hopefully crush you all as human beings to leave your husks to be molded the way society sees fit.'

'Fools! No one knows more about _survival_ than me, Zim! I shall again beat you pathetic humans at your own "game"!' Zim cried out leaping onto his desk, but no one was paying attention as the bell rang and everyone stampeded from the room leaving only him and Dib, as Ms Bitters had also slid from the room.

'We'll see about that _Zim_. I bet you couldn't last even a day out there without any of your Irken technology, cruddy as it is…' Dib muttered.

'I accept your challenge, Dib-monkey! Invaders are given all the training they need to survive anywhere under any circumstances!' Zim glared back at Dib, 'You'll be begging me to help you carry your pitiful sack of meat self after only an hour out there! I won't do it of course, but it will be fun!' Zim cackled. Dib glowered at him furiously.

'How about we make a little bet then, space-boy? No technology for the whole time we're out there. Or are you chicken..?' Dib baited him. Zim, of course, took the bait as he hated even the thought of Dib even _thinking_ he was better.

'Of course I accept your piteous bet! I am ZIM!!' And with that Zim leapt off his desk with his arms in the air and proceeded home, to prepare for the upcoming "camp".

'Hey wait! We didn't say what would happen when I won!' Dib yelled after him, but Zim was too caught up in planning his own victory. 'Idiot…' he muttered and left the classroom as well.

* * *

As Zim was walking home he was wondering how exactly he could start off his next evil plan. Aren't we all? If things were to go as Zim intended them to, the world would end up destroyed… the mutant chicken hybrids would be enraged when coated in peanut-butter and eat the eyes out of all the humans. But enough about that! He had to find out the ideal way to humiliate the Dib human on the upcoming trip. It should make him cry and weep and beg for mercy in front of _everyone_. Yes that would be perfect! Zim laughed to himself.

When Zim's base was just up ahead, and he was turning round the corner, a massive fire ball ripped down the footpath. Zim stood, frozen in shock and when the flames and smoke dispersed a singed Gir was left out the front.

'GIR! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!' Zim cried in rage when he regained himself, shaking the robot wildly, but Gir was boiling hot and he let him go with a yelp.

'I make biscuits!!' Gir said manically, producing a biscuit tin with five black lumps fused onto it.

'But… how? The electricity isn't even connected to the oven!' Zim stammered. Gir had outdone himself.

'Computer helped! He gave me his Computer power! He _believed_…' Gir said the last word almost conspiratorially. Zim's eye twitched. Gir was oblivious to his Master's rage and started trying to pry a cookie off the tin, but resorted to just licking them. Zim grabbed Gir and dragged him inside, ignoring the throbbing pain.

Inside the house Zim flung Gir against a wall, making him bounce off it and onto the couch. There was a disgusting smell of burning…

'CompuuuuuTER! Restrain Gir…' Zim instructed. The house's Computer gladly obliged and whipped a mass of tentacles around Gir, holding him in place on the couch. The house's wallpaper was black and slightly brown in places. With further inspection from Zim, he found that the underground portion had been cut off as the elevators down to it had been ruined. Hopefully it was unaffected… The kitchen had practically been blown into oblivion and there were still a few random fires everywhere, but the Computer's robotic arms were taking care of that and covering every centimetre of the house in foam. Zim suddenly got in the way and received a face full of it. He wiped it slowly off his face and the Computer practically whimpered.

'Base… ruined.' Zim said relatively calmly. His eye twitched again as he walked threateningly back into the lounge room. A few minutes passed as if Zim was considering something. Gir was still unaware of Zim and thought the Computer was playing a game and was violently gnawing at the tentacles restricting him. 'GIR! I've had enough of your… stupidities… in the time that we've been here. I no longer have a use for you. I will disposing of you tomorrow when I leave for camp –'

'CORN?!' Gir butted in, not particularly taking any notice of Zim.

'NO GIR! CAMP! PAY ATTENTION! You can do what you please out there…' Zim muttered, already walking away, shaking his head.

* * *

'Gaz! Guess what?! That camp is tomorrow!' Dib said bursting through the front door, thinking that she would actually care. 'Bad thing for you though, you get Ms Bitters for the week…' He continued, not seeing that Gaz was gritting her teeth in rage and trying to block out the sound of his annoying voice. Poor Dib. 'Ohh, I bet Zim won't last a minute out there without his death cannons and laser beams and… all that other stuff he likes! I'm so gunna win this bet!' Despite everything Gaz became _slightly_ curious.

'Whatdya get if you win..?' she asked, not taking her eyes off the game she was playing. Dib looked embarrassed.

'I… don't know!' He said with a flourish. 'But victory will be sweet none the less!' Gaz left the room disgusted. Why had she even bothered asking? She should've known Dib to give such a dumb answer like that… Dib charged up to his room to prepare.


	2. Chapter 2

Zim sighed as he waited for the base to repair itself. He'd even let it tell him to wait outside while it happened, because he was _getting in the way_. Gir was still in there, how much damage could Zim cause compared to him? Something just _horrible_ was going to happen to the humans for this… Perhaps he would skip this camp to have free range of the city without Dib around to pester him. But no, the base wouldn't be repaired for most of the time so going on the camp would be a good distraction for him. Pushing some of the terrible things that passed for worm-babies off a cliff would probably cheer him up. He smiled faintly at the thought while he leaned on a broken gnome and doodled in the scorched dirt in front of his house. When he looked down it was a crude picture of the Dib-human with his pointy hair on fire. Heh heh heh…

'Hey _Zim_!' Ugh, without even looking up he could tell who it was. Only one stink-creature on this ball of dirt had such an annoying voice… He didn't reply. 'Get up already!' What?! No one commanded ZIM! Dib would pay! He got up, the idiot.

'What stink-pig?!' Zim replied in his worst, most _eeeeeevilll_ voice. Dib looked slightly deterred. After all, he hadn't even done anything yet.

'Uh… We haven't set any terms for our little bet yet. What happens when I win?' He said cockily.

'Ah yes. The… bet.' Zim was in no mood for this, let alone telling Dib he had no idea what he was talking about.

The familiar look of confusion briefly crossed Zim's face. Dib knew Zim would be too proud to admit he didn't remember so he cut to the chase, 'You know, who can _survive_ out there on the camp the longest without any equipment..?' Dib put emphasis on survive as if there was an actually chance people would die on it. He was sure Zim had never been on anything like a Skool camp so he wanted to gain the upper hand by making Zim nervous. Zim's expression didn't change. What was up with him? Usually by now he'd be proclaiming his own greatness. Hadn't he even picked up on the part where Dib had said "when I win"?

'Oh of course.' Zim replied. He wiggled his foot around the place where he'd been drawing hoping Dib would notice and look down. He didn't. Suddenly, Dib looked around properly at the destruction everywhere.

'Hey, what happened here..?' He asked cautiously. The whole outside was completely ramshackle with paint peeled off and the windows shattered, and all the grass was gone. Had one of Zim's inventions gone haywire?

'None of _your_ business, pig-smelly.' Zim replied acidly. Of Dib hadn't really expected any more of an answer, this was Zim we were talking about here.

'Okay well, what happens when I win?' Dib repeated for the third time.

Zim thought for a second, 'Why don't we just say… the other can do something of INTENSE torture on the other for an hour?' Zim said ominously. He'd started planning already…

'Uh… I don't think so…' Dib said slowly, seeing the expression on Zim's face. 'Why don't we let the other take any piece of equipment they want from the other?'

'Why would I want anything of _yours_? Anything made by humans is centuries behind Irken technology!' Zim said, laughing in Dib's face.

'Well I don't see you coming up with any good ideas.' Dib said pettily.

'Torture?' Zim reminded him.

'Yeah, well…' He ditched the topic. 'What about if I win then I get to borrow your Voot thingy for an hour –' Of course had no intention of returning it… Zim looked suspicious. 'And you get to… um…'

'Torture?' Zim suggested again.

'NO! No torture!' Dib cried and Zim glowered. 'What about… You get to…'

'Face it human! There is nothing on this planet Zim requires! Unless… When _I_ win…' Dib glared, so he had picked up on it. 'I will be allowed access to NASA PLACE for an entire night!' Yesss… He could see the plan forming already. He would make sure no one ever suspected the existence of aliens EVER again! He would be safe to continue his mission unsuspected by all…

'Um, I don't really have that kind of power…' Dib replied. Zim's face turned dark.

'But does your father not? When I win, you _will _find a way…' Zim trailed off, then, completely changing tone. 'Deal? Good. Now be gone with you! Your pungent human smell is polluting my superior air!'

'Hey wait! I never agreed!' Dib protested, but Zim was pushing him down the footpath. When he was walking home Zim just stood by then fence definitely watching him go. Dib really did want to find out what had happened to his base but he probably never would…

Zim growled angrily, sat back down in where he was before and began muttering under his breath. Victory would be sweet but this was only a minor obstacle when there were far bigger ones to be concerned with. He needed to dispose of Gir on that trip and then make a new, more worthy henchman of Zim afterwards.

* * *

Inside, Gir was trying to make conversation with a very irritated Computer.

'And then, and theeeeeeeen… Master said he would take me to lots of corn!' Gir squealed.

Computer sighed, 'No he didn't… Don't you understand? He's getting rid of you!' Computer said, but Gir was far from listening. An abomination of Irken technology. Not fit to still be online! Master was making the right choice, finally…

While he babbled randomly Computer tried to speed the fixing process up. He knew he'd have all week when Master was on "camp" but he was pushing his luck when he'd told Master to wait outside, for now, and he didn't want him any angrier than he was already. Who knew what he'd do… If Computer was "slacking off" by his standards he might even replace Computer for a "better" one… Of course it wouldn't be but it was pretty terrible getting shut down… Master was known to overact a bit, but Computer was generally loyal to him and tried his best to be _tolerant_. Little do most people know but Computer was just as eager for the destruction of mankind as much as Zim was (terrible creatures, breaking computers everywhere with their lack of patience and knowledge), but honestly Master could get so petty at times… not that he'd EVER dare mentioning it.

Just as Computer had suspected, after a little over an hour Master slammed the door open and stomped into the house.

'Yooou get me a SuckMunkey?!' Gir asked idiotically. Zim only muttered something unintelligible under his breath. Gir poked his tongue out and swung his legs back and forth.

'Computer!' Zim barked. 'Progress report!'

Computer sighed again, it was no where near done yet! 'Should be finished in two-three days –'

Maybe it was worth staying home from that camp, Zim thought.

'– if I'm _not_ interrupted by _anything_.' Computer finished a little touchily. Zim didn't do anything, but simply sat on the couch next to Gir and crossed his arms.


	3. Chapter 3

**13 hours later…**

Zim hadn't moved a centimetre on the couch. A bee flew in through window, not detecting any danger and landed on Zim's head. He casually brushed it off.

'Hmm… Not long until I am required to meet for that repulsive camp… Ahh well, may as well go now, nothing else I can do…' Zim said more to himself than anyone else in the room. 'Gir! Put on your disguise! And while you're at it, take a good look around…' Computer released the tentacles wrapped around Gir, and he sprung from the couch and started squealing.

When Gir had finally put on his disguise he and Zim left Computer to do his job. Zim put the mandatory leash onto Gir and they set off toward the Skool.

The horrors that dwelled in the street in the early morning hours were surprised to anybody out this early and quickly retreated back into the dark side alleys until Zim passed.

When Zim and Gir reached the Skool their were a few other kids looking incredibly tired and bored stumbling around out the front with a chipper looking Mr Elliot chatting to nobody but himself.

'Hi Zim! This is soooo exciting isn't it? We'll all –' He stopped talking when he saw Gir at his side. 'Uh, Zim? You're not allowed to bring any pets on the trip…'

Zim faltered, he hadn't prepared for this. But he was ZIM and he would think of something… 'Oh, uh, this is just my uhh… Seeing Eye Dog! Yes, yesss! I need him to smell!' Mr Elliot's smile relit.

'Oh of course! That's fine then! Feel free to take a seat with everyone else while we wait for the rest to arrive. Zim put on an over-the-top-very-very-fake smile and backed away, sitting no where near everyone else.

'Gir, we –' Zim began only to see that Gir was gone and was sitting in a tree and had pushed a bird off it's nest and was now eating it's eggs. The bird attacked Gir's head but he didn't feel anything.

While Zim was shouting at Gir and ordering to come down Dib arrived carrying a huge hiker's backpack. He threw it down and then noticed Zim yelling at just a tree because he couldn't see Gir.

'Finally lost it Zim.' Dib said as he walked over. 'Failing has driven you to talk to trees – Huh?' Dib noticed Gir. 'Hey! You can't bring that! He's technically… technology…' He finished dumbly.

'Oh don't worry about Gir, he'll be leaving us soon enough…' Zim muttered. Of course Dib had no idea what Zim was talking about. Dib looked around. It seemed that Zim hadn't brought any bags at all… But that would be dumb, even for Zim.

'What happened Zim? Forget to pack?' Dib asked sarcastically. Dib was surprised when Zim turned to face him and laughed uproariously in his face. Dib took a step back.

'Foolish Dib-monkey, I do not _need_ to bring ANYTHING on this trip! My superior Irken mind shall supply me with everything!' He exclaimed.

'That's just stupid…' Dib told him.

'We'll see who the stupid is… one… are, eh… YOUR HEAD'S TOO BIG!!' Zim finished triumphantly. Dib looked stunned at Zim's new level of insanity, but subconsciously raised a hand to his head. It couldn't be as big as everyone said… could it? Gir suddenly plummeted from the tree and landed on Dib.

'Wahoo! I'm ridin the cow-head!!' Gir yelled. Zim's eyes widened when he saw everyone else there staring at the three of them. Zim launched himself at Gir trying to pry him off of Dib.

'Dib-pig! Your voice has gotten awfully high because that sound couldn't possibly be coming from this perfectly normal human dog creature! Everyone knows they can't talk!' Zim said desperately. With both Gir and Zim on top of his head Dib collapsed onto the ground.

'I win!! I win, oh yeah…' Gir shouted again and leapt of Dib's head. Zim smacked a hand around Gir's mouth.

'Seriously, Dib-human! Shut-up already!!' Zim cried frantically. Dib narrowed his eyes.

'Okay, am I still the only one seeing this? That wasn't me talking, it was Zim's dog! Which isn't really a dog because it's his robot! Because he's AN ALIEN!!'

'Dib! Zim needs that small green dog to lead a normal life! Just because he's different doesn't mean he doesn't have the right to that!' Mr Elliot scolded Dib and all the other kids stared on in disgust at Dib while Zim finally managed to get five layers of masking tape around Gir's mouth. Dib walked off, kicking a rock, and sat down with his bag. His only friend? The others kids jeered and laughed at him while Zim smirked at him from a distance.

Over four hours later, at nine, the bus (which was large and grey and had the word PRISON crossed out in black paint and SKOOL written sloppily over it in red paint) arrived in front of the children.

Zim remembered the last time he'd dare stepped on a cursed bus like this… Oh that horrible clown… Unfortunately Gir did too and insisted on holding his Master's hand. Dib noticed the struggle between Gir and Zim, with Zim trying to rip his hand away while Gir pulled it back, and snickered slightly. Zim resorted to holding both hands above his head until they'd gotten on the bus. No one took any notice because this was normal behaviour for Zim…

'Gir, go sit as far away from me as possible.' Zim commanded. Gir briefly switched into duty mode and used his jets to get the back of the bus quicker, blinding several children in the process. He then took up the whole back seat, giggling and throwing anyone who tried to sit there with him out the window.

'Hey Zim, shouldn't your Eye Dog sit with you?' Mr Elliot suggested.

'But, I ah, might need to… to smell something at the BACK of the bus mightn't I? What if a rampaging pig beast came at us from behind? We might ALL be killed in the battle that would inevitably ensue…' Zim replied, trying to look innocent. Also unfortunately, Dib remembered the last time he'd gotten into a bus as well and decided to sit in the seat across the corridor from Zim so he glare at him for the entire trip.

No one sat next to Dib or Zim, and no one _could_ sit next to Gir, so they all crammed themselves into the middle of the bus and fidgeted and squirmed at the lack of space. In the end Mr Elliot sat next to Dib and he blocked his view of Zim so Dib was constantly moving around trying to get a better look.

A bit over two hours on the trip, the other kids had started singing "bus songs". All the songs you know and love ripped to little pieces with terrible new lyrics… Dib had finally given up trying to see over Mr Elliot and was now pretending to listen to him. His happiness was almost too much for Dib to handle.

While Dib had been trying to see Zim he could've sworn that he'd died he was so still, staring straight ahead. If it wasn't for his periodic blinking Dib would've been jumping for joy. Was he asleep? If so how did he do it with his eyes open? Dib had never seen him need to sleep before… Whatever was going on Dib didn't like it. _Anything_ Zim did these days was treated as suspicious by Dib.

Zim found it amusing ignoring Dib. Every now and then he could see out of the corner of his eye the stink-pig glaring at him. You could see the gears turning in his head he was thinking so hard. Heh heh, fool! As if he'd be so stupid as to make any evil… stuff… right in front of him! It was all about stealth, and subtly. At least that was what he was telling the Tallest was his plan for taking over the Earth.


	4. Chapter 4

After driving for what seemed like years the bus finally stopped in the middle of nowhere. They all piled off the bus and got their stuff. One kid cheered while another one was bus sick in one of the scraggly bushes.

'All righty then!' Mr Elliot tried to get the kids to listen to him, but there were doing everything but. Most of them were just sitting around chatting and stretching their legs, but Gir was raiding any unattended backpacks for food. 'The camp lodges aren't that far off down this track, we'll get there before nightfall if we're lucky!' It was only 1:30 in the afternoon.

Zim waited until everyone else had started walking before he and Gir began. The Dib-human had raised his eyebrows but had to go unless he wanted to be left behind.

'Now Gir, we come to the uh… nubby part of… you. This is the end of your mission with _me_.' Zim said to Gir, but Gir's head kept straying off to other things so Zim had to hold his head in place. 'I'll be taking your guidance chip and from then on your _new_ mission will be to "play" with the humans as much as you like. Away from me. Out here. You can do _whatever you want_ out here. But don't EVER come looking for me. You got all that?' Zim knew that simply turning Gir off would be a complete waste because of his talent for destruction. Now Gir could just destroy the right thing out here, instead of Zim's masterful inventions. 'I _said_, got it?' Zim said irritated as the robot made no sign he'd heard any of that. At the raise of his voice Dib turned around to watch.

'Yes, my Lord!' Gir said his eyes flashing red under his doggy disguise. Zim "smiled" evilly.

'That's a good Gir, now off you go!' Zim said pushing Gir into the bushes. He popped his head up and looked at Zim for a few seconds but Zim kept walking. He waved some what sarcastically at Gir before turning around and walking into Dib.

'Move it, Earth-pig!' Zim said, and emphasised the command by giving Dib a hearty shove. Dib grumbled and glared a bit more at Zim before running to catch up with the group. When Zim looked over his shoulder Gir was nowhere in sight.

* * *

Now Dib _knew_ Zim was up to something. Why'd he just chuck Gir into the bush like that? This was the way he usually went about trying to destroy the Earth. Trusting stupid things like Gir to do all the important bits. Well he wouldn't get away with it this time! Actually, maybe he would if the camp wasn't up ahead… Dib was being crushed under the weight of his enormous pack and his legs were starting to feel like noodles. UNCOOKED noodles. They would snap if he wasn't allowed to sit down soon.

Zim of course was perfectly fine as he hadn't brought anything that he didn't carry around already. It was funny watching the Dib-beast struggle and he made a mental note that if (no WHEN!) he captured him he would torture him in some way that would make him suffer through the pure weight of his enormous head.

The sun was starting to set and up ahead Zim heard sighs of relief from the other kids. They must've finally gotten there. He side-stepped Dib and picked up the pace. What his eyes were met with was less than satisfactory.

The camp buildings were dilapidated at best. They were mounted on little posts and the gap underneath was somewhere where you expected rats went to die. The ceilings looked like they had holes in them and the door hinges were crusted with rust and partly falling off. He'd seen better living conditions on planet Dirt…

Dib, and the other stink-pigs, were lying on the ground groaning and twitching. Zim saw this and recognised his obvious superiority.

'Ha! If this is all it takes to weaken you _humans_ then, say, any invading races would easily CRUSH you under their mighty and superior feet!!' He cackled. Dib was too tired to fight back. Mr Elliot surveyed his group. Well, one of them was still standing.

'Okay then class! It's time to assign you your buddies!' He said clapping his hands together. 'You'll all have your names picked out of a hat and that person will be who you'll share a cabin with and have to be with for the entire time we're here so no-one gets lost!' He pulled a hat with razor sharp teeth around the rim out of his bag and tipped a list of the girls' names into it. The teeth mechanically ripped them to shreds. 'Okay girls! Line up and pick a name! When you've picked a name or you're name is picked go and stand with your partner! Okay, Morla you're with Aki. And… Peeyoopi is with Gretchen.' Mr Elliot continued until all the girls were paired off. 'Time for the boys now!'

Zim attempted to rush to the front of the line but was promptly pushed out of the way but some of the others and jostled to the back with Dib. Zim growled and balled his hands up into fists. He would _NOT_ be paired with _Dib_.

'Zim! You're with Keef!' Mr Elliot called to Zim at the end of the line. Keef had screamed with joy when he'd picked Zim's name out of the hat.

Well, Zim thought, it's _got_ to be better than the alternative…

Dib snickered slightly but abruptly stopped once he heard what was said after. 'And finally, Dib! You're with Willie!' He froze while Zim broke out in raucous laughter. 'Now that you all know you're partners you'll be chained together with these handcuffs!' Mr Elliot said as cheerfully as ever.

Ever since Willie had become Skool President, the toilets got worse and worse until one day Willie broke down as well and had to be taken to a rehabilitation centre due to the horrible things that the Skool Board had done to his mind. Once he'd come back, he was even stupider than before. He was currently waving the arm that was handcuffed to Dib around wildly and slapping other people with it. Of course everyone actually believed Willie when he had "said" it was Dib and not him, and Dib was getting plenty of angry stares. Not that that was much change from the usual, but COME ON! Was _everyone_ here THAT dumb?! Willie couldn't even spell his name right! He spelt it W-H-U-L-L-E. But as usual there was nothing he could do to change anyone's minds.

Zim had concluded that having Keef as his "buddy" wouldn't be so bad after all. Not only was he willing to do ANYTHING Zim told him, he was also incredibly gullible and believed everything he said. But then who wouldn't?

'Okay kids, next step is setting everyone up with a cabin!' Mr Elliot said clapping his hands together. 'There will be two pairs per cabin. Now I'll let _you_ choose who you want to be with! Okay? Innit that great…' Everyone went crazy at the thought of having free will and were running around madly and jumping up and down. Zim stood there with his arm crossed, like an iron bollard, while Keef frantically tugged the handcuffs.

'Wanna be with us? Do YOU want to be in our cabin? What about you guys?' Keef sad asking everyone in sight but they all ignored the creepy hyper kid and the green boy he was partnered with.

After a couple minutes of utter MADNESS Mr Elliot tried to take control. 'Does everyone have a group now?' He looked around. 'Zim, Keef! You guys aren't in a group!' He said as if it was the most depressing thing in the world. 'Oh, but look at that! Dib and Willie don't have one either! You guys can go together!' Zim and Dibs eyes widened.

'Eh, ahh… but you see, I CAN'T go with the Dib-pig because I'm… ALLERGIC, to um, his head!' Zim said lamely. Dib balled up his fits, but he just _couldn't_ go with Zim!

'Yeah, he breaks out in disgusting yellow hives!' Dib cried as well. Mr Elliot wasn't listening though.

'Great! Now everyone go find a cabin and we'll meet back here in an hour to talk about house-keeping matters!' He said.

'This isn't over Dib-beast!' Zim cried shoving his finger at Dib. Keef let himself be dragged along the ground, smiling dumbly.

'Hey! I don't like this anymore than you do!' Dib cried back slapping Zim's hand out of his face.

'Then it's settled, you'll sleep on the balcony.' Zim stated, before marching off towards the closest cabin.

'What?! No I'm not!' Dib said and started trying to follow Zim, but Willie had spotted a butterfly and was trying to catch it and Dib was too small to pull him away. Zim ripped open the door, which came off in his hand, and rammed it back in the frame before smirking at Dib from the glassless window.

* * *

'Keef!' Zim commanded after growing tired of the Dib-humans pitiful attempts at escape.

'Yes Zim?' Keef replied eagerly. Zim scowled.

'Don't call me that. From now on you will call me… Master!' Zim said, another ingenious idea forming in his head.


	5. Chapter 5

A/N: This mght be the last update for about a week cause its the final week of term and we got loads of exams and stuff. So i hope you like this chapter and don't forget to review!

* * *

'Everyday we'll be getting up at 6:00am sharp everyday to take part in the survival aspect of this camp, and… you can eat whatever you can find! Just be sure to look it up in the _Am I Poisonous?_ pop-up book first!' Mr Elliot explained cheerfully to them as it got darker and darker. He dropped an incredibly large book onto the ground where it landed with a loud thump and left a slight dint in the ground. Mr Elliot beamed around again. 'Now! We were a bit late getting here today, but the Skool requires us to complete all the tasks!So time for our first challenge!' If the children were able to they would've groaned. The only two people standing were Keef and Zim. Zim because he had no need to rest and Keef because he was just so happy that _he_ was the one connected to Zim for a whole seven days, and no one else!

Mr Elliot pulled a neat little folder out of his bag that seemed to have all the grueling tasks written down on it. 'This one is called, The Balancing Act! Pairs must walk across the tightrope with one on the others shoulders –'

* * *

The sun was just hinting it's arrival over the horizon... 'Well, that was easy!' Zim exclaimed, brushing his hands together.

'Sure was fun, wasn't it Master?' Keef said. Everyone bar Zim was covered in bruises and cuts but Keef, much more so than any of the rest too, didn't seem to feel any pain at all. Now that Keef was Zim's replacement slave (for the time being, anyway) he would be nothing but grateful, as living to serve his deity would mean he would be eternally happy!

'Well done everyone! Now you have an hour of sleep before the next challenge! Innit this fun..?' Mr Elliot smiled and began walking over to his cabin whilst everybody else slowly picked themselves off the ground, the less battered ones having to drag their buddies back with them.

Willie was just as torn up as everyone else, but seeming to have boundless amounts of energy (or perhaps from having his spinal cord partly severed after a hit and run incident when he was six and no longer being able to feel anything) he was able to drag Dib around helplessly. Of course Zim laughed on his way past. It was then that Dib came to the sudden realisation that not only was Zim going to be right about him not sleeping in the cabin tonight, he wouldn't be sleeping this entire trip unless he could do something about Willie. He silently cursed Willie.

And then un-silently cursed Willie, for luck.

* * *

'Hmm. It's quiet, not good.' Zim commented when he and Keef were standing inside the cabin again. 'Make it less… not good.'

'Yes Master! Right away!' Keef replied and added a salute at the end for good measure. It seemed that he wouldn't be using the one hour for sleep. While Zim stood in the middle of the room, Keef was a blur of activity around him, stretching the chain to its limits making the room less not good.

* * *

'Willie… come _on_. I want to use this hour to sleep!' Dib begged with Willie.

'Aaaa-uhh… whuh?' He replied looking up from digging a huge pit.

'SLEEP! You know, rest?' Dib cried.

'Ah… Nuh.' Willie said changing his answer halfway through, he stopped paying attention to the un-exciting, not moving, big head and went back to digging. Dib sighed and tried to go to sleep on the edge of the pit, but was then disturbed when he was dragged into it because Willie was now trying to bury himself. Suddenly while Dib was struggling to get away and Willie was flailing his hands around wildly the chain got wrapped around his neck and, even Willie needed air, he stopped moving so he could breathe. Dib nearly started crying with joy when he noticed he now had complete control over Willie because he was too stupid to lift his arm back over his neck. It was the ultimate choke chain! Dib yanked himself out of the pit and stormed his way over to his cabin. Everybody else had gone to sleep but the light was still on in his room and he could see Keef darting around inside. What was Zim up to now?

He yanked the door open, 'Zim what are you – what the..?' Dib began but then stopped in his tracks at what he saw. The whole room had been transformed into something that might've been considered luxury if it weren't all the same disgusting grey colour everything there was. 'You cheat Zim! Forgotten already about our deal?'

'Watch your mouth _Dib_! I have used no technology at all! Everything you see here is the work of Keef's own two hands and teeth!' Zim announced proudly, as if he had done it.

'You really like it Master?' Keef said as if he was ready to explode at the praise that would inevitably come.

Or not. 'Of course not. I've seen sewer rat-creatures live in better conditions, but it will have to do seeing as you're the only one around to fix it.' Zim stated. Keef's smile didn't falter even a bit after the insult, but instead grew wider; as if this had been what he was hoping would be said all along.

'Thanks Master, that means a lot!' He said proudly. Zim smirked at Dib. Keef was nearly the exact opposite of Gir, apart from all the insane gibberish…

Dib stared in amazement. He may have just found someone stupider than Willie… 'Keef, don't listen to him! He's evil!' He cried pointing to Zim and yanking the chain Willie was attached to. Willie stumbled forward and was too slow in putting his other hand out in front of him when he fell. He toppled onto Zim, who leapt back staring in disgust at Willie lying on the ground.

'Keef! Get these two intruders out of here immediately so I can finally rest in peace!' Zim said.

'You will NEVER rest in peace Zim! Not while I'm around!' Dib shouted as Keef happily chucked the two of them out of the room and slammed the door shut. The cabin next door's lights came on and Zita leaned out at looked around.

'It's just Willie and Dib being crazy again.' She called to someone inside the room. 'Hey keep it down Dib!' She turned around and slammed the door. Dib sighed and rolled onto his side, trying to get comfortable. It was just like Zim to be like that. He didn't even need to sleep! Well, there wasn't much he could do about it now except try to get a bit of rest…

'Ah-roo?' Willie made odd sounds next to him. Dib yanked roughly on his handcuff to get him to be quiet. Probably a bit harder than necessary.

* * *

With Keef lying in some sort of blissful coma on the rotting floor, Zim sat up on the queen-sized bed that barely fit in the room. It had a hand woven (by Keef of course) bedspread with a crooked picture of Zim's face on it and pillows to match. He'd made a few framed pictures of Zim and him holding hands out of macaroni and even a stand with a lamp on it for the shattered, only just working, bulb. Altogether a whole bunch of unnecessary junk that would make the Dib-human's life suck even more. Zim lay back on the bed and smiled. Things were looking up again!


	6. Chapter 6

(A/N): Sorry that was a bit longer than a week but my brain had temporarily melted after having to do surprise exams as well as the ones already set… As I'm sure you could believe I was in no state to do anything, let alone write a fan fic, and therefore the first few days off were spent in a coma in bed. Anyways, while I was away, this story has had over 100 visitors!! Yeah!! BUT! There are still only two reviews!! So come people please, please, please review! If you like it or you don't… I even have anonymous reviews on here!

* * *

WHACK! Something smacked Dib in the face. He sat bolt upright and looked around only to see Zim and Keef standing over him.

'What's your problem?!' Dib cried, rubbing his cheek. Zim smirked.

'Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't see you all the way down there!' He said and walked off cackling with Keef smiling dumbly in tow. Dib grumbled, now he remembered; height was a big thing for Irkens… Well he'd get Zim back for that one.

'Come on Dib and Willie! It's time to get up!' Mr Elliot shouted at them from where all the other kids were gathering. Dib grumbled again and brushed himself off and got up, with Willie still caught up in the chain. When everybody was finally sitting down, Mr Elliot took out the folder. 'Okay, let's get started!'

'Wait what about breakfast?' Dib asked shocked. The kids didn't seem to like agreeing with Dib but they all nodded eagerly.

'Dib, don't call out. Put your hand up! And breakfast is included in the task. Anyway the task is called Heroes and Villains!' Mr Elliot read on slightly. 'Oh, this one's a fun one!'

Everyone's eyes widened and Melvin started shaking violently until he toppled over and his eyes crossed.

'Okay what happens is that half of you will be heroes and the other half will be villains and you'll all be given paint ball guns!' The class perked up, maybe they had been misreading Mr Elliot. 'If you get shot then you have to lie down and be dead for ten minutes before getting up and sitting in the "out" area. You can get taken captive by the opposing team and they can try to get information about your team's plans. Whichever team gets completely wiped out by the other first get to eat!' he said cheerfully. The colour drained from everyone's faces. 'And as a further incentive, you won't be given armour!' Mr Elliot added. It was almost as if someone was ending all his sentences with exclamation marks…

Zim had immediately grinned at the mention of guns. Of course human guns were far obsolete compared with Irken lasers but he'd gotten a Very High Distinction in the marksmanship course in Irken training.

'How long will it last?' Zim looked up when he heard the Dib-beast start speaking.

'As long as it has to.' Mr Elliot replied. Everyone looked even more aghast if that was possible.

* * *

Everybody was loaded up with paint guns and paint pellets and ready to be split into teams.

'Okay guys, I'll choose two captains and –' Zim was already marching forward, and dragging Keef along, standing next to Mr Elliot. 'Zim what are you doing?'

'I am taking my rightful position of Captain, sir!' Zim said, the soldier side of him taking over.

'Why should you get to be a captain?' Sara asked snidely from the group.

Zim scowled at her. 'I believe I'm the only one here who has received extensive training on Hobo 13.' The kids blinked. 'And PASSED!' He added.

'Only an alien would know what Hobo 13 is Zim! We aren't aliens, so why don't you explain!' Dib cried leapt forward. Zim's eyes darted around as he tried to think of an excuse.

'It is a, uh, perfectly normal training facility in, eh… Antarctica! Have any of you been? It's very nice in the summertime!' He finished. No one apart from Dib was listening. Dib slowly shook his head.

'Okay then.' Mr Elliot said. 'The second captain will be Chunk with Carl. Now start choosing your teams!'

Chunk went first and chose Flan and Brian. Zim then reluctantly chose Billy Slunchy and Alex. Eventually there was just Dib and Willie left and Chunk had to choose him. Zim smirked and crossed his arms. Mr Elliot handed out red headbands to Zim's team and blues ones to Chunk's.

'Alright! Remember the "out" area is back here and you get ten minutes to spread out!' Mr Elliot said gesturing the forest in front of them.

'What if we get lost?' Dib asked.

'Then it'll just be that bit more realistic!' Mr Elliot said grinning broadly. Dib raised an eyebrow but no one else thought anything more of it. 'Now off you go!' The two teams scattered off in different directions. When they were all out of sight Mr Elliot sighed heavily and slumped back in his folder chair. He scowled at a thought. This happy thing was hard to keep up, but if Bitters saw him now… He shuddered.

* * *

'Okay you useless pig-beasts; we're doing this my way!' Zim commanded while standing on a log. 'We're gunna try and ambush them –'

'This is STOOPID! Let's just shoot 'em all!!' Slunchy cried and the rest of the kids roared in agreement. Zim narrowed his eyes and stepped of the log and walked behind him and shoved his paintball gun into his back. Billy's eye bugged out; at point blank range with no armour getting shot would hurt.

'You gunna be a distraction, solider?' Zim asked casually. Billy shook his head wildly. 'Good. Now as I was saying…' The other kids didn't have any problem with listening now. They believed that, without a doubt, Zim would happily shoot any of them. Although it had taken some time for him to become a complete freak, he'd always been sadistic. Just look at Keef covered in bruises and dirt being hauled everywhere… But he really was a total freak.

* * *

'Okay, let's just shoot 'em all!!' Chunk cried and everyone but Dib hooted in agreement.

'No, wait! We need a strategy! Zim's probably teaching them all war techniques; we'll be out in seconds!' Dib argued. The rest of the blue team stared in disgust at him.

'It's just a game, loser.' Chunk pointed out.

'Do you want to eat tonight?' Everyone had forgotten about the stakes… No one said anything so Dib took that chance to start his strategy.

* * *

(A/N): That whole thing with Mr Elliot didn't have anything to do with the actual story, but... HE'S TOO HAPPY FOR A JOHNEN VASQUEZ STORY!! I thought there had to be a reason and Ms Bitters threatening him about something seemed pretty logical. If you read the script for "Simon Sez Doom" he's just so… -twitch-.

REVIEW!


	7. Chapter 7

(A/N): Argh! I have so many ideas for fan fics it's not funny! I spent most of yesterday trying to get them all down before I forgot! After reading this feel free to check out my oneshot _Dib and Zim? FRIENDS? NEVER! _and don't forget to review ;)

* * *

Gir was having the time of his life in the wilderness. At first he'd gotten worried, what would he do now no was there no Master? Then the answer hit him like a piggy to the head. Anything! He'd already used up half of his jet fuel flying to the closest city and literally painting half the town red. He shed his disguise and aimlessly wandered around and found himself back in familiar territory. He'd chased a couple of animals till they either flew away or hid in a tree and now he was bored again. It was then that he heard the shooting.

He'd immediately gone into Attack Mode and scanned the immediate area. Finding no threats, he'd swung forward on his heels, stuck his tongue out and activated his jets and flew closer to the sound.

From what he could see it was just a bunch of harmless children playing. His mind didn't linger long on the oddness that they would just _be_ out here, until he saw one well-known face among the crowd.

_Master!_ Gir thought happily. But something inside him stirred. It was the little Red voice that controlled him. It told him when to be serious and when to pay attention. Generally it stayed quiet but if he ever disobeyed, it usually hurt.

**He's not your master anymore. He deserted you, **_**remember**_**? He calls you stupid when it is quite clear it is HE who is the stupid one. **It said, cruelly. Gir flinched.

_He'll always be my master!_ Gir stated. His head began to throb painfully.

**Not anymore.** The thing stated bluntly. **You – NO! **_**We**_** need to get him back…** It hissed. Gir had once wondered if he was imagining the voice all along, because he knew he should listen to Master, but he would never think things like this about Master!

_How..?_ Gir asked.

**Revenge… We'll leave him stranded out here! No technology… No nice little Gir to come pick him up… And we'll greet him with a pleasant smile back in the base. If he ever does get back… **Gir's antenna drooped. That would be wrong…

_But why?_ Gir felt a sharp ache cut through his mind. _Oww…_ Gir whimpered.

**You're going to do this Gir…**Gir unhappily complied. As he felt the recognisable rush flood through him as the Red took control and the colour seeped into his eyes, Gir slipped quietly into the background to watch. Pink tinted his vision.

* * *

'Wahahaha!' Zim cried happily. He hadn't had this much fun on the stinking ball of dirt since he'd trapped the Dib-human with the robot gopher. A kid with a blue head band stuck his head around a tree trunk and Zim nailed him right between the eyes. His partner looked surprised and went to help him up and Zim shot him in the small of his back. They both scurried away quickly, without waiting around to be "dead" for ten minutes. Zim looked around, there was no one else in the clearing that he could see, but he had to make sure.

Little did he know Dib was there, in that same clearing. And he was scared stiff. Zim had single handedly taken out his _entire _team now, apart from him and Willie, and even his own team had fled. Dib didn't trust Willie to stay quiet so he had shoved his head into the dirt, but Willie didn't seem to care much now that he could breathe properly as Dib had mercifully taken the chain off his neck. Dib quaked in his boots as he heard Zim crunch past the fallen tree they were hiding behind.

'Hey Master! I think I see something!' Keef stopped. Dib's heart stopped as well. It would hurt if Zim found him now…

'Where?' Zim asked, obviously not believing him.

'There was something glowing red over there. Hey you! Whoever's glowing red over there come out!' Keef called in a "commanding" voice. Dib breathed out a sigh of relief. He wasn't glowing red… He shot a glance down at Willie, just to be sure.

'There's nothing there, stink-pig. You were wrong. AGAIN.'

'I'm sorry Master…'

'Now I shall take a seat on that fine looking log over there.' Zim stated and Dib nearly fainted. It was now or never…

It all seemed to happen in slow motion. Dib grabbed his paint ball gun and, forgetting he was attached to Willie, spun around to face Zim. Zim's eyes widened and then he gritted his teeth and went to hold his gun up, forgetting that he was holding it in the hand that was attached to Keef. Zim's hand jerked when it reached its limit on the chain and so did Dib's but, unlike Dib, Zim shot anyway and a pellet landed on his glasses with a thwack and Dib leapt back in surprise and whipped his hands to his face, paint covered the entire lens. Both Zim and Dib's handcuffs snapped in the middle and having the sudden weight taken off they both tripped and stumbled over a tree roots and continued to tumble down a large slope.

Keef blinked. He looked at his wrist. Zim wasn't there anymore. 'Master?! Where are you?!' Keef cried looking desperately around. Willie looked up and saw Keef standing there.

'Ah-roo?' He inquired. Keef noticed Willie.

'Come on Willie, we need to go back and get help!' Keef said and ran off in the direction of the out area.

* * *

'Yaaaaargghhhh!!' Dib and Zim yelled as they rolled over and over down the valley. When they finally came to a stop it was very forcefully as they smashed into the same huge tree. They both groaned in pain and slowly cracked their joints back into place and sat up.

'Uhn… This is all your fault, Dib!' Zim accused.

'What?! Ow… How?!' Dib asked incredulously.

'If it weren't for your, uh, stupid, um… meddling! Then we wouldn't be here!' Zim struggled. 'And if it weren't for your stupid "bet" then I could be flying out of here right now!'

'That – Ah this is pointless. I'm getting out of here.' Dib said, carefully standing up.

'Wait for me, pitiful human!' Zim said getting up as well. 'Uh, which way did we come?'

'Well, we went _down_, so now we go _up_, stupid.' Dib replied sarcastically. Zim narrowed his eyes and pointed at the fact that there, about five metres away on either side of them, was two identical slopes. 'Oh no… No, this isn't happening!'

'I assure you that it most certainly _is_, and if you don't get us out of here, then I will make sure that you will never have another moment of happiness ever again!' Zim said darkly. Dib leaned away from him. He had channeled Gaz perfectly then… Then he continued to complain about his lack of equipment.

'Well, we were rolling clockwise, so we must've come from… that way.' Dib pointed. Zim squinted at him.

'Are you sure, Dib-monkey? Because I could've sworn I was already facing that way when I got up, so we must've come from that way.' Zim pointed in the opposite direction. Dib sighed.

'You're just trying to make this hard aren't you?' Dib frowned.

'Of course not! I want to get out of here just as much as you do. It's getting dark…' He shuddered and looked worried. Was Zim afraid of the dark..?

'We should go this way!'

'No, I don't want to get lost. We go THIS way!' The two continued to argue until it was properly dark.

* * *

Gir located Zim once again. He had seen the whole event in the clearing and knew there was another boy with him. The big-head boy he hated… Zim was just making this too easy for him. Gir laughed softly to himself. Things were only going to get worse for him though.

Dib and Zim were still arguing when Dib saw a bright flash of red over Zim's shoulder.

'What was that?' Dib asked cautiously. It didn't help that he was half blind from the pink paint encoating his glasses.

'What was what?' Zim asked turning around.

'You can't trick me Zim! You're just trying to scare me! I knew you would've cheated with our bet anyway, Zim!' Dib said nervously.

'I don't know what you're talking about, Dib-stink.' Zim said and crossed his arms. Zim's _incredible _eyes spotted something behind Dib. He frowned. Dib turned around cautiously.

'What's going on?'

'Even if I knew, do you think I would tell _you_?' Zim said and recrossed his arms. But there it was again. It flickered but then stopped moving and focused into two perfect red circles. Zim drew a sharp breath in between his teeth. 'G-Gir..?' Dib whirled around.

'Gir?! I knew it! I –' Dib began, but a winding up sound hummed loudly.

'What are you doing Gir?! Stop immediately! I am your master! Don't you dare –'

**I have no master!** Gir's voice rang through the forest. His eyes disappeared and the whirring sound grew louder. Zim's eyes became the size of saucers.

'Is that the..? Arghh!!' Zim didn't bother finishing his question and had already taken off running with his spider legs unfolding as he went.

'Hey Zim?! What's happening?!' Dib called but then Gir stepped out of a bush. A huge laser canon was sprouting out of his head. 'Arghh!! Wait for meeeee!!' Dib screamed after him.

As Zim was streaking along blindly he heard rustling next to him he glanced out of the corner of his eye and saw a stream of red running along smoothly beside him. Then he was flat on his face because his spider legs had gotten tangled in a tree root. And then Dib tripped over the mess of his legs and smacked down beside him. When Zim looked up there was no trace of red anywhere, just pitch black.

Dib and Zim both sat bolt upright at the same time. 'Hold me..!' They both whimpered and sat in fear, shaking.

Gir was already jetting home. Redness seeped out of his view and he giggled manically, already forgetting what he'd just done.

_Aw, is my holiday over already over?_ He asked Red.

* * *

(A/N): I love the quick endings that make you wonder for ages after how they got out of that situation... That's why one of my favourite episodes is Bolognius Maximus. You get all lined up for a _good_ ending then, BAM. This one is there!

Friend: They're just sausages..?!

Me: Yep. Funny, huh?

Friend: How is that funny?

Me: Boloney is funny!

Friend: -sigh-

I'm not sure if you'd still have your eye after that paintball incident with Dib, but this is a cartoon, it doesn't have to make sense! It may also have something to do with the fact that it's 12:30am and I'm watching the Late Show with David Lettermen and he's talking about how politicians should only be pretty people and how he's wearing his "Sarah Palin" glasses. I need to go to bed…

McCain in the Membrane. Wtf. That's honestly what they're talking about.


End file.
